Today's Verse




Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Almost to the End of the Beginning

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, but it has been a whirlwind of events. I will try my best to catch you up. It is close to the end of the first part of this journey.

August 9, 2012
I had made the decision to not have the immediate reconstruction done and I had to call Dr, Yost's office to verify when my pre-op was to be done because the hospital had called the night before saying is was on Thursday and I had it down for Monday. They were right, it was on Thursday. But then the bad news - because I had decided to not have the reconstruction started at the same time, they said they might have to change my surgery date because I was scheduled in Dr, Bennett's time not Dr. Yost. I lost it. I had to leave work. I lost all composure I had and reverted to panic mode. I was thinking I couldn't go through with that part of the surgery but felt forced to so I didn't have to postpone the surgery. I didn't know what to do! Once I got home I just continued to wait for one of the surgeons to call me. It was about lunch time when Dr. Bennett called. She said the time may be in her name but it is my surgery block and I was having my surgery whether she was there or not! Praise God again! I was set to go!!

Mom picked me up to go to my pre-op and Frank met us when he got off work. He walked in at just the right time, they were taking me to x-ray and to have my blood work done. I hate having my blood drawn. He always knows how to distract me through that. We were finally done about 5:30 and he took me out to the dojo to see some of the kids I had been missing!!

It turned into a great day!

August 10, 2012
Frank went to Arlington for another Texas Rangers game with Dennis and I had planned to just spend the evening at home getting somethings ready for the next week. I received a surprise phone call from Buddy asking if I wanted to spend some time with Mattie May  before my surgery! My heart just melted! How sweet! And of course I jumped at the chance to get her for awhile. I can never thank him enough!! We surprised Katie and then we had a girls night out!!

August 11, 2012
Saturday Frank was in a shoot for Habitat for Humanity and we, the girls and I, spent the day shopping and having fun. Frank and I went to the dinner Saturday night and had a blast laughing and cutting up with most of the O'Dells. I don't remember when we've laughed so hard!!

August 12, 2012
Sunday was church, family lunch, then we met with the elders for prayer over me. It was the most at peace I have felt in a long while. I love my family.

Auguast 13,2012
It was a long day at work but I made it through, upset stomach and all. I guess I had a huge case of nerves because my stomach had ached all weekend. I didn't eat much and wasn't hungry, but after work, Frank and Katie wanted to take me to dinner. We went to Olive Garden (thanks Michelle!) and had a great time. We got home and I started packing and had to take my first shower in antibacterial soap from head to toe. I had to get up at five the next morning for my second antibacterial shower and be at the hospital by six!!

Frank and I both had a hard time sleeping, but we made it through the night with a lot of laughter and a few tears. I can't imagine being on this journey with anyone other than him.

Until next time, God bless.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Dear (Name Here)

Dear Person that this letter is to, but you don't know it's about you, and probably wouldn't figure it out even if you did happen to stumble upon my blog,
I am so sorry for the inconvenience that my cancer is putting on your life. I know the adjustments you have had to make are tremendous and you shouldn't have to deal with the added stress. Again I apologize. Next time a diseased cell tries to take over my body and kill me, I will do everything possible to make sure it fits into your schedule better than it has this time.
I still can't tell you how long my recovery time will be nor what my treatment will be or how long that will take. I know this is of great concern to you because it will have such a great impact on your life. As soon as the results come back from all the test they will do after my surgery, you will most assuredly be on the top of my call list. I know you need that info to schedule the rest of your life. This disease is all about you after all, it is barely having an impact on my life.
Again, I hope you accept this sincere apology and I will try better next time I have cancer not to interfere with you.

Sincerely,
Brandi

As you my family and friends can tell, this letter is not to you. It is to the one person that will probably never read this. I can't tell the rest of you how much your love, support and words of encouragement mean to me. Thank you all so much. I can never tell you how much I love each and every one of you.

It's all going to be OK!

Until next time, God bless.

It Doesn't Always Go My Way

August 8, 2012

Today has been another hard day. It just seems that yesterday and today, nothing has been going my way.

After finding out last week that I was not a candidate for TRAM-flap, I had chosen to go with the immediate reconstruction and implants. I was set and ready to go. Or so I thought.

I had a few questions for both surgeons and gave them both calls. I found out that I can't have saline implants, they have to be silicone. Not what I wanted to hear. It got me to thinking if I even wanted to have the reconstruction done at all. I just want this cancer out of me and right now and not to worry about anything else, but that is not possible. There are just too many decisions to be made in too short of a time. I wanted to laugh but all I could do was cry. I really needed to get home and get a hug from Frank.

He met me at the door, and even though I had my sunshades on he knew something was wrong and that I had been crying. He gave me exactly what I needed, a great big bear hug, holding me until I had gained my composure. We went back over everything both surgeons had told me, and what we thought were the pros and cons of the immediate reconstruction.

I still have not made my decision as to what I want to do, but I will. I have too before the surgery. But I have talked to Frank and Mom has made some phone calls to friends that had their mastectomies at around my age or even younger. Two ladies that chose not to have immediate reconstruction when they had their mastectomies. I feel a bit at piece tonight knowing that I can chose to have the reconstruction done later, which I knew this all along, but I had lost sight of that fact and was trying to rush things along. There is no rushing through this.

Frank's biggest concern is my self esteem after the surgery, I mean these girls have been with me since before high school. But they are not who I am. OH I will cry the first time I see them gone no doubt about that. It is going to be a major shock, of course. We know treatment could have many different side effects on top of loosing my breast. But I have never had a problem with vanity. He knows how I feel about loosing my hair. That has never been a big deal to me. Hair is hair, if I loose it, I loose it. My theory is it will grow back eventually and until it does I can rock some cute scarves and hats!

So as I go off to bed, I think I am leaning more to just having the bilateral mastectomy and leaving the reconstruction until later. Have the surgery and focus on treatment and getting healed. There is no time limit as to when I can start the reconstruction. I have so many friends and family who will love me with or without breast, just having me well and being the person I have always been. I have Katie and Mattie to get well for and they don't really care if I have breast either, as long as they have dinner every night (LOL) and a story at bedtime. And I have Frank! He is my biggest supporter of all! He loves me too for me, a healthy me that can get back in the boat and net his fish. And I have God, my faith in him tells me I will get through this. He has been and will be with me every step of the way.

This cancer is hard!

But it is all going to be OK!

Until next time, God bless.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Please! Remember What Thumper Said!




Please people! Cancer is hard! I have learned this in just the past week and my heart goes out to those that have had it so much longer than me! But remember in my first post when I said I was not going to be a Negative Nellie? Well I meant it. But today it has been a bit hard.

I was reminiscent of when I was pregnant with Katie. People would come up and start telling me horror stories about their second cousin twice removed's third wives mother's daughter's third pregnancy and how terrible it was! Come on people! I didn't want to hear those stories then and I don't need to hear them now!

I know what the outcome could be. I know it's not going to be a walk in the park everyday. But I really don't need to hear that right now. If you don't know what to say, a simple "I wish you the best" will suffice, I promise.

This ends my rant of the week. Now back to my regularly scheduled optimistic outlook.

It's all going to be OK!

Until next time, God bless!


Day Seven

August 6, 2012
Well, it has been seven days since I received my diagnosis. A week that has flown by. Not much happened today. Just the regular things; work, grocery store, supper and a quick shopping trip with Katie. I bought a new bracelet! It was just a nice day.

I still have a lot of thoughts running through my mind, adding questions to the list to ask the surgeons. If I don't write them down, I forget to ask. I get strange looks sometimes because I carry my note pad with me everywhere. How do I know when a question will pop in my head?!

I keep remembering more people that I haven't told and that aren't plugged into any of my networks. So I did make some phone calls today and sent a couple of emails.

I have received two cute, cuddly pillows from a survivor that I have know since my school days (I know they will get plenty of use), a woven bracelet from a new friend (woven to represent breast cancer and diabetes to which she lost her husband) and a sweet card in the mail from cousins expressing their concern. I have been so very blessed all my life and the blessing continue to fall down on me.

Thank you God for everything I have and all the caring people that will be helping get me through this journey. I couldn't ask for better family and friends.

Everything is going to be OK.

Until next time, God bless.


Sunday, August 5, 2012

The Hardest Thing of All

August 3, 2012
Finding out I had breast cancer was hard. And I know that things are going to get harder. I have surgery, recovery and reconstruction to go through. We won't know about chemo until after the surgery and they check the lymph nodes. I know I am going to have to be tough. But there was something I had to do that I was not looking forward to. And I was the only one that could do it. It had to be me. I had to tell Mattie that I had this horrible disease.

She is a smart girl. Her understanding of things is so different than other six year olds. We just never know how she will react to things. With Mattie, there will always be questions no matter what. I've always said that is why she is so smart. She asks questions and her brain hangs on to them like a sponge.

Every summer Mattie spends a month with her dad. We can call her any time we want, he is good about that, but it is hard to get to see her. It is after all his time and we try not to interfere with it as much as we can. And not to mean, but I didn't want to tell him what was going on because I couldn't take a chance on Mattie finding out from him. This is my journey and I wanted to be the one to tell her. I had to be the one to tell her. I guess I was being a little selfish.

I called him to see if she could spend a little time with us while Ralph was here. He agreed and I was elated. I picked her up on Friday afternoon before anyone else got off work. This gave me a chance to talk to her. UGH! How was I going to do this? God give me strength!!

I asked her if she remembered feeling of the lump I had found in my breast. She did.

I explained to her how I had gone to the doctor and he deadened my skin so I couldn't feel anything and cut it out. I asked her if she wanted to see where it came out and of course she did. She felt of it being careful not to hurt me. She asked me if it hurt. I explained how he gave me a shot so I couldn't feel anything but that it would hurt if it got bumped so we had to be careful when she would snuggle with me, but that it really didn't hurt.

Then we talked about the doctor sending it off the part they cut out so they could find out what it was. We talked about the word cancer and explained to her how they are bad cells, how they make people really sick. I told her these cells, this lump that she had felt was cancer and the doctors had to get rid of this from Lolo's body. We talked about how I would go into the hospital and the doctors would get rid of this cancer by taking the tissue (yes, she knows what that means) out of my body. She asked me to explain what they were taking and I told her how they would take both of my breast and send them off to some other doctors that could test them and see how bad these cancer cells were. We talked about how I would look different for a while but that the doctors were going to build me some more breast to take there place.

She thought about this for a little bit and this is the only time she started to cry. I told her it would be OK and the Lolo and Grumpy had both cried because we were upset these yucky cancer cells were in there. "But," she said "I don't want you to have to have fake boobs for the rest of your life. You'll get tired of the straps falling down!"

OK I must admit, I was very lost!! I asked her what she was talking about.

"Well Lolo, you know Mommies bra with the fake boobs, the straps fall down sometimes. I don't want that to bother you forever."

LOL Lolo got a little tickled, grabbed her up and hugged her as tight as I could. I explained to her that these fake ones wouldn't be on the outside of my body, but that the doctors would put them inside my body where they can't be seen and that they would do several surgeries to make them look as real as they could.

She gave me that precious smile with her eyes lite up so that I could tell she understood.

Again I knew that everything was going to be OK.

Tonight as we drove back to her dad's, we talked about how she could tell anyone she wanted to that Lolo had breast cancer and to tell them that she was going to be OK, but if she had any questions, that she was to only ask Lolo, Grumpy or Mommie because they are the only ones that can answer her questions about what is going on with Lolo, and that if we didn't have the answer, we are the only ones that can call the doctor and ask.

Now I can go into my surgery knowing she knows the truth and will prayer her sweet little prayers for me to get better.

Everything is going to be OK!

Until next time, God bless.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

I Have a Surgery Date!

August 1, 2012
After having talked to Dr. Yost yesterday, I still had a lot of things I had to talk over with Frank. From the very beginning when I found the lump, I thought I would want to have both breasts removed, but I just had to talk about it out loud and get Frank's thoughts. I still feel the same. Today I called Dr Yost to let them know I wanted to have the bilateral mastectomy and start the reconstruction at the same time. Cene said she would contact the plastic surgeon to see how soon we could get the surgery scheduled to work on both surgeons schedule. Ralph and his family are in town for the Youth Bull Riders World Championships. Frank, Katie and I went to watch E.J. ride and spend some time with the family.

August 2, 2012
After lunch, I realized I had not heard anything about an appointment with the plastic surgeon. I called Dr. Yost's office and she gave me the info I needed and said she would have Dr. Bennett's office call me ASAP. They called me right at 3:00 PM, just as we were getting to leave for Arlington to watch the Rangers. They had me an appointment scheduled for the next day at 9:15 AM! I found out that they usually don't see patients on Fridays, but when Dr. Yost told Dr. Bennett about my situation, she insisted that she would work me in! I knew I was really going to like her.
We had not been to a game all year and were really looking forward to it. It was a great game, but long!! It wasn't over until almost 11:30 PM! We got home around 3AM!!!

August 3, 2012
Mom had left for Wichita Falls again on Thursday, so I called Traci to see if she could go with me to the appointment. She was with me at the hospital the night we were hit by the drunk diver, and I knew she wouldn't miss a thing the doctor was telling me. She is a great second set of ears!!! Again, I went in thinking I knew exactly what I wanted, a TRAM-flap reconstruction. After visiting with Dr. Bennett and going over all the different possibilities for reconstruction and learning I was not a candidate for TRAM-flap, I decided to just go with the regular silicone implants. Dr. Bennett did a lot of explaining and measuring. She is great and I think I am going to be very please that she is the plastic surgeon that will be doing the work.
I did learn today that no matter what type of reconstruction I chose, an immediate reconstruction is a bit misleading. Even though the reconstruction will be started the same day as the mastectomy, it will take at least a year to finish the process. Some things I am learning make me feel like I am not very smart, but then I just remind myself that I have not ever been through this before and it's OK to not understand completely, but to just keep learning!

My surgery has been set for Tuesday August 14. I feel so blessed that I have had the presence of mind to stay on top of this. Since finding the lump on June 29, I am already set for surgery. And I received proof in the mail yesterday that that doesn't always happen. I had my mammogram on July 10, kept calling the doctor's office after a week until they could schedule me with surgeon to do the biopsy, and had the biopsy done on June 26, less than a month after I found the lump. But I received in the mail yesterday a letter from the women's center telling me that the mammogram came back with a reading that needed further evaluation!!! Fifteen days after I had the mammogram! Had I not stayed on top of what was going on, I would be three weeks behind where I am!!! I plan to continue to be very proactive. I just hope I don't drive all physicians crazy!!!

Until next time, God bless.