It Doesn't Always Go My Way

August 8, 2012

Today has been another hard day. It just seems that yesterday and today, nothing has been going my way.

After finding out last week that I was not a candidate for TRAM-flap, I had chosen to go with the immediate reconstruction and implants. I was set and ready to go. Or so I thought.

I had a few questions for both surgeons and gave them both calls. I found out that I can't have saline implants, they have to be silicone. Not what I wanted to hear. It got me to thinking if I even wanted to have the reconstruction done at all. I just want this cancer out of me and right now and not to worry about anything else, but that is not possible. There are just too many decisions to be made in too short of a time. I wanted to laugh but all I could do was cry. I really needed to get home and get a hug from Frank.

He met me at the door, and even though I had my sunshades on he knew something was wrong and that I had been crying. He gave me exactly what I needed, a great big bear hug, holding me until I had gained my composure. We went back over everything both surgeons had told me, and what we thought were the pros and cons of the immediate reconstruction.

I still have not made my decision as to what I want to do, but I will. I have too before the surgery. But I have talked to Frank and Mom has made some phone calls to friends that had their mastectomies at around my age or even younger. Two ladies that chose not to have immediate reconstruction when they had their mastectomies. I feel a bit at piece tonight knowing that I can chose to have the reconstruction done later, which I knew this all along, but I had lost sight of that fact and was trying to rush things along. There is no rushing through this.

Frank's biggest concern is my self esteem after the surgery, I mean these girls have been with me since before high school. But they are not who I am. OH I will cry the first time I see them gone no doubt about that. It is going to be a major shock, of course. We know treatment could have many different side effects on top of loosing my breast. But I have never had a problem with vanity. He knows how I feel about loosing my hair. That has never been a big deal to me. Hair is hair, if I loose it, I loose it. My theory is it will grow back eventually and until it does I can rock some cute scarves and hats!

So as I go off to bed, I think I am leaning more to just having the bilateral mastectomy and leaving the reconstruction until later. Have the surgery and focus on treatment and getting healed. There is no time limit as to when I can start the reconstruction. I have so many friends and family who will love me with or without breast, just having me well and being the person I have always been. I have Katie and Mattie to get well for and they don't really care if I have breast either, as long as they have dinner every night (LOL) and a story at bedtime. And I have Frank! He is my biggest supporter of all! He loves me too for me, a healthy me that can get back in the boat and net his fish. And I have God, my faith in him tells me I will get through this. He has been and will be with me every step of the way.

This cancer is hard!

But it is all going to be OK!

Until next time, God bless.